Mar. 17th, 2003

aintbroke: (My hair should be so cool)
Yah, so I don't know what to think. I've been proclaiming my non-American-ness since I was about, oh, five. Since I was in Colombia, and saw what a fuckup "our" foreign policy made of a country.

The older I get, the more hypocritical it feels. I may have been raised abroad, but I have certainly been shaped by being the white girl, the privileged one, by being "other." I rant and rave about the lack of interest in world affairs, but it occurred to me that the last time I sat down and read though a paper was a good six months ago.

I'm not sure where I fit in this hierarchy of antiwar. I can't say that I am an American, I love my country, I do not support the war on Iraq. I can't say that, because I'm not, and I don't. At the same time, I can't look on in horror at what the stupid fuckwits over in America are doing. I can't because I'm here.

There's this girl in my Chem class who just got back from living in Costa Rica. She's come back infused with the political spirit and the will to fight for what she believes in. Talking to her makes me feel so old. (Old! Old at nearly nineteen, with her years older than I am! It's a sorry state things have come to.) Because, laudable as I think it is, I don't think organizing protests is an effective way of doing anything other than stroking your ego. "We've done something! Aren't we great!" And it's really horrible, because she manages not to be smug and morally superior about it, and she keeps looking at me for understanding, because I've been there too.

What am I supposed to say? That doesn't work here? Here, in the land of the free and the brave, you have no voice, get over it? I don't want to be this cynical. I want to believe that peace isn't just an abstract goal, I want to believe it's possible. Being the most optimistic, stupidly idealistic person I know, it infuriates me that I wrote that sentence "want to believe."

ARG. I have nothing more to say. This was incoherent enough for one evening.

I wish for peace.

More than wish for it, though, I want to work for it. I want to have a meaningful way to actually do something, but I don't know what it is. If anyone's got ideas, let me know.

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